Monday, October 25, 2010

Horror Signs For Her

                                       My Favorite Virgo Rapper, Nas on the Female Star Signs:
                                          THE VIDEO FOR THIS

Girl what's your astrology, Virgo?
If so, you the same sign as me
Gemini's are fly, the kind I need
Love Aquarius and Pisces
Can't leave a Libra
I live life day to day
Let a playa play
Supportin' my women
All my Capricorns and Scorpio women
Leo's and Cancer, girls be bad
Only sign I can't deal with is Sag
Confusin' my enemies
Never losin, clever movement
Act smooth where the women be
Amused by my energy
When they choose me
I just tell 'em the music's my remedy
I just swell 'em and leave 'em swolled
And girl this is somethin' that you need to know - NAS
As requested, below are the horrorscopes for females signs. Please remember this is all in sheer fun. It is an exaggerated portrayal of how a "scary" case of a woman might appear under their particular sign if conflicted,  but by no means are these accounts remotely accurate or meant to offend anyone. This is solely in the spirit of Halloween and comical amusement. If you are a CUSPER read both:

  Aries/Taurus:  April 14 to April 23
Taurus/Gemini:  may 15 to may 25

Gemini/Cancer:  June 16 to June 26

Cancer/Leo:  July 17 to July 27

Leo/Virgo:  Aug. 18 to Aug. 27

Virgo/Libra:  Sept. 17 to Sept. 27

Libra/Scorpio:  Oct. 18 to Oct. 28

Scorpio/Sagittarius:  Nov. 17 to Nov. 27

Sagittarius/Capricorn:  Dec. 17 to Dec. 27

Capricorn/Aquarius:  Jan. 14 to Jan. 24

Aquarius/Pisces:  Feb. 13 to Feb. 23

Pisces/Aries:  Mar. 15 to Mar. 25
LEO(July 23- August 22) This Chic is just a little too into herself -if you know what I mean. An open narcissist, meaning she does not shy from letting you know that she IS into her own shit. For example, she doesn't want to talk about you. She would rather talk about her new profile picture. While your having dinner, she isn't looking you in the eyes because she is updating her status, maybe even saying "she's just about to have dinner @ The Keg. Nom. Nom. Nom." She has fans. She must alert them. Leo girl has a heart, but if 'horrible' she won't be able to see beyond her own reflection. She will get lost in herself. She is that girl that messages your EX or starts a roaring fight because she doesn't like her throne being threatened. She has to have one up. She is greedy and wants full control of the limelight. As a lover, she will be dramatic, highly emotional and spastic. She will create drama over nothing simply because she is bored. She'll cheat. She will be a flirt and be an attention whore, possibly dragging you places that you really don't want to be in the first place. Likely because she just had to "show her face". She probably just got her hair done or something vain. (Leo will also hate me for this post because it not a form of flattery, something every Leo can't get enough of.)

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21): She is maybe the cheapest woman on the planet. She counts every penny, and if she knows she can get some sort of 'deal' she'll be in there like a dirty shirt on Tuesday. This becomes annoying in a relationship because nothing is experienced without an entourage of authority. Let's talk about how much we spent aka let me yell at you for spending too much (but yet she can spend whatever she wants secretly). She is little-miss-know-it-all and what she says flies. Her ears are entirely deaf to the oppositional voice, she would much rather be in charge. She tells you nothing of what she is really feeling or thinking. Everything emotional about her is kept private. She doesn't like to lose EVER. Her need to win will piss the shirt off anybody at least once. Gambling addict, race track lover, or board game junkie - this woman loves to play a little too much. To make matters worse she will boast afterwards and rub all her success in your face. She's not willing to share either. She'd much rather things be her way so if you're interested in taking a back seat - hop on, or hop out because she's going with or without you.

PISCES: (February 19 - March 20) She's a moody bitch that's for sure. One minute sweet as sugar, but then suddenly she will rear an ugly fish-head of disaster. A mood unmatched. You will get nervous before saying hello, wondering what kind of greeting you will get. Emotions run high, when it's good, it's really good, but when it's bad it's really bad. She's sneaky. She snoops. She's the type to go through your phone, your computer, your drawers. She will look for anything to prove you can't be trusted because secretly she can't allow herself to be involved in anything built upon real trust. She prefers to enable, and will enable the weak, make excuses for both her self and her love interest. She is prone to abusive relationships. She will not motivate you to change your junkie, alcoholic ways, instead she holds your cigarette while you take a swig. Way too accommodating, the shitty Pisces gets passed around like a bad habit. She'll never find romance unless she starts to set limitations. Bad Pisces makes great rules but always breaks them. A true addict always calls home for money, but if your dating her, well, she might just steal it from you.

CANCER (June 22-July 22) Cancer chicks are complicated. Either they are too fucking emotional or too fucking inclined to hide behind their humor. Either they are miserable or too happy that you are led to question it. If she's "crazy for or you' like Hart, she will be the clingy type - she might run your show. Wondering why you haven't moved in yet? Wanting to spend every second with you, sending you annoying texts and insisting on staying in and watching TV. She's moody and crabby and can be really erratic and cruel when charged. She is also two-faced, saying one thing to your face but then another behind your back. You will likely feel as though you can never truly understand the confused, aloof shell, which she conceals herself in. You know the evil she is capable of.The worst part of this chic is at times she will try to be like a dude (because she surrounds herself with dudes), sending you short messages, acting like she doesn't care and frowning at proclaims of sappy love. It's a facade, really she just need the male attention a bit more than most and would rather double dip while she can then ever admit otherwise. She just relates better to men, sure. Next time she says this poll how many of those same men she has slept with, I bet its more than two.

TAURUS: (April 20-May 20) She's wants to be the bitch with the most cake. Meaning that if cake was the coolest thing to buy, she'd have a whole fridge full. This princess wants the best of the best and yet she always wants more. She might be good with money, but she also loves to spend it, and if you have it and are willing to give it she can't really decline. Materialistic crack. Though very independent and hard-working Taurus girl likes to be pampered and might turn a raised eyebrow to stuff like camping or 'roughing it' etc. They need their STUFF. She'd rather stay at the Ritz. Very stubborn and very jealous when shitty, the bull girl will also take you down with one blow. Don't mess. She's got the bark, and if you push her hard enough she will roar back. The kind of chic who if you hit her, she's going to hit you back and it might just be a mightier punch than you've got it. There's no way you're in control if your dating this type of Taurus. She has final say. She's fucking stubborn. She'll complain all the time about how she's overworked, or how her thighs are getting fat and then ask you, more than you like if she looks fat. This will annoy you because you really do love her the way she is, right? She loves food so, so, so, much but won't allow herself to enjoy it because she feels guilty after.  She might have some serious scars from her past life battles (and I mean literal scars upon flesh). She's tough. She will cut you and if you are a weak sign she will own you. Total control. Even if you don't know it, you'll still be owned. 

GEMINI: (May 21-June 21) Gossip one day- please another. Gemini is symbolized by the twins, and in a negative case she becomes so dually-natured that she is genuine in her twin switch offs. She might not even remember shit talking you last because when her good girlfriend face is forward, she sincerely is trying to be good again. The bad Gemini however, will be a total mess and will not even be slightly aware of it. She's perfect. She will party, plan, jaunt, sex, play, pine - anything to get away from the mundane. Anything to get away with retrospective alone time. Party. Party. Party. Crash. Party. Gems don't dwell. They have very short attention spans. They are the master of the quick"K I GTG" phone call.  Even if she was dwelling you wouldn't know it. She'll be perfectly put together in a stunning dress, ready to mingle - even if she is secretly tortured inside. She won't compromise herself socially so don't try to embarrass her, she will be embarrassed and she will tell you. Don't step on her fancy shoe covered toes either. She'll need affection and attention so much she might seek it in a desperate fashion or find other people to please her when you don't provide. Be prepared to provide. Be prepared for what -the-fucking-ever.

ARIES: (March 21-April 19) This woman is out of control with being in control.  Like Lady GAGA (Pisces/Aries cusp) "she's a free bitch." She's bossy, assertively annoying and impatient. So impatient that if you just got to a nightclub and there is a mild line she will insist on leaving immediately. Or go bark at the bouncer about how important she is, and shouldn't she be in there? She'll make a scene. She'll get angry and YELL. She'll be self-protective to a fault. You will say I love you, and she won't. She's cold a hearted snake because she doesn't want to subject herself to any kind of real pain. She wouldn't voluntarily put herself through that.  She might be your "really busy bitch friend" that doesn't ever have relationships because she's simply too into her power agenda. How to be the best, how to outsurvive the best, and always take home first prize. #2 is not good enough here, you can always be better, which means you will NEVER appease this kind of Aries in love.
Aries women are often great career women with a natural ability to break the glass ceiling and rise to the top, however, some men find this very intimidating. She wants to be the boss, but so do you, and if that's the case, this isn't the right fit. She will however do the same in a love situation, if she wants it she will take it, she doesn't care who was there before her, if she really wants something and sees it rightfully as hers, she will claim it. Bad Aries is like a stranger sleeping in your bed, you think you know them, but you never really will. You will never be loved more than she loves herself. It's survival of the fittest and "she's fit, but she knows it."If conflicted, she will always chose herself.

AQUARIUS:  (January 20- February 18)She doesn't know what she wants and therefore she gives EVERYTHING a chance. Literally, she might have flirted up your fat cousin and provided the sweet thing with false hope because she was bored. Nothing is ever emotionally enough for her to invest in so therefore she pines in planned adventure, which still doesn't quench her thirsting, water-carrying lips. She's got a mean side. Sunny until flipped over and then her wrath will be released. Don't mess. Bad Aquarius is just as tough as bad Taurus, (which is really why these two are likely to combat.) She is not always going to say nice things about you behind your back. In fact, some shitty Aquarius women meddle in other people's crap just to stir the pot. They enjoy gossip even if they say they don't.  They secretly enjoying seeing other people fail, mainly if they didn't like the person to begin with. She either hates you or can just bloody stand you. Therefore the 'he said/she sad' does appeal to her, but as always, Aquarius retains a sense of nonchalance. She retains an element of supreme weirdness. She loves men and men love her but she doesn't know how to limit herself nor does she know how to commit. She's never going to let anyone tell her what she can and cannot do. If a better, bigger, brighter adventure were to dangle itself in front of her pretty eyes, she would not be able to say no. She can't help that's she an eternal drifter. You can try to catch her but, she will keep running.

SCORPIO: (Oct 24-November 21) She's got some numbers missing upstairs. Her mind is like a war zone of thoughts that only she can keep. She's not ever completely honest with you because she's never completely honest with herself. She doesn't want to reveal all her card to anybody. In truth, even to herself. She just doesn't trust people enough, but perhaps she just doesn't trust herself? She's highly self conscious and it's overtly apparent. She's afraid to ever truly express herself (or her level of love and devotion) because she fears the worst possible outcome. Always. She's not the girl who sees life in rainbow lights, she sees shit in jade. She will reign on her own parade because she doesn't necessarily think everyone or anyone can have it all. Ever. What's happiness? Something nobody should invest in. She's willing to settle for what she has even if she is capable of so much more (remember this is only the shitty Scorpio - good Scorpio is very career orientated.)
She has a shady past or has done shady shit in the present, but she's so great at keeping secrets you'll never know about it. You won't even suspect it. Even if she spent time in jail. She uses sex like a weapon, A very, very, deadly weapon.

CAPRICORN: (December 22 -January 19) She'll think she can do everything that you can do better. You will be able to feel the snob oozing off her plastic smile. She does not understand otherwise.  No. She will look down on you. She'll work like its her life. She'll stick to a routine of life that leaves no room for excitement or spice. Her love is cold and calculated. She doesn't surpass an inch on anything, but has a certain idea of how things should be. Her own personal bar, which everything has to be measured up against. She knows better. She won't be afraid to tell you. Her code of conduct is how she feels things should be at all times. She dictates and you listen. She's fussy and will nit-pick you. She will nag you. She will think everything has to be done 'juuust right' and hearing her say those exact words will make you sick in your mouth a little bit. You will start to feel like you can do nothing right. She becomes soo predictable, you actually start to wonder if she is in fact human.

LIBRA: (September 23-October 23)She takes the cake in FLAKE. Nobody "doesn't know" more that this girl. She just doesn't know. You can ask her, yes or no? And she will say, maybe, but really she just doesn't know. She likes you, but she also sort of likes this other guy from her gym and maybe also this friend of her friend's. She's not the best at monogamy. She has waaay too many friends and they don't mean truly anything but she still wants to play with them. Maybe tie them up.  She is the crazy cat lady, constantly bringing over random friends "to crash". "Babe, Is it cool if Zane crashes tonight?" You've never met any of them before but according to her they are like "best of friends." Fine. Sure. She'll be so charming you won't be able to say no to any of this. Eventually her weirdness and overtly flaky, indecisive behavior will start to bother you. You'll start to shy away from her abrasive fashion choices and question the weird, impulsive, fucked up hobbies that she's into hardcore for a week but drops the next. You'll want her attention but she'll be too busy giving it to someone or something else, but as Nas says, "you can't leave a Libra." This bitch casts spells.

VIRGO: (August 23-September 22) She will want to talk about every detail about every thing. She will nag you. Why didn't you clean up? Why didn't you dress nice? why didn't you write her back? She's analytical to a fault in that she weighs out everything all the time. She sees what is wrong with you before she sees what is right. She can only see in black and white (just as she probably only ever wears black and white...sometimes grey). Psychologically, She might entertain the grey area, but her true values stay with black or white and this means that yes she is judging you. She's always right too. Scratch that - she is never wrong. Self-righteous and stubborn she doesn't bow down to the authority of anyone. Virgos hate authority figures. They are better in charge.Crappy Virgo also hates dirty people, really fat people, unfortunate looking people and people who brag too much. They prefer everyone to look attractive and at all times if possible. If you've changed anything about you she will notice because she lives and breathes detail. She is a fucking detective, natural private Nancy Drew, and she will catch you. She will win because why? She has evidence. And yes because she is always right. If you did the crime Virgo girl will catch you in time. Even if you didn't do it, you still will never be 'good enough' for this woman because a bad Virgin is never satisfied. She is seeking perfection, but still isn't likely to find it in you. Thought she will use you, and milk you for all she thinks your worth. Always keeping you right where you she needs you, but never really letting go just in case she needs to come back.

         *Remember these are just in fun and by no means true or meant to be taken seriously.*

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