Saturday, October 9, 2010

Horror Signs

Within the zodiac there are fixed signs, mutable signs,and cardinal signs. Every person who has the same sign is different. There is no one perfect form of any sign, everyone is unique, however, in spirit of type casting -there is always a horror man type, a 'what could happen horroribly' if you will. Below is an hyperbolic, astrological synopsis for the men of the Zodiac. Maybe not everything described will apply but if he was a bad seed, true to form, he might follow suite to some degree.

At one time you might have kept the rose colored glasses on, open and engaged with this fellow but in all likelihood you probably took some undesirable abuse as well.

Aries The Ram
Mar. 21–Apr. 19
Taurus The Bull
Apr. 20–May 20
Gemini The Twins
May 21–June 21
Cancer The Crab
June 22–July 22
Leo The Lion
July 23–Aug. 22
Virgo The Virgin
Aug. 23–Sept. 22
Libra The Balance
Sept. 23–Oct. 23
Scorpio The Scorpion
Oct. 24–Nov. 21
Sagittarius The Archer
Nov. 22–Dec. 21
Capricorn The Goat
Dec. 22–Jan. 19
Aquarius The Water Bearer
Jan. 20–Feb. 18
Pisces The Fishes
Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Aquarius - He will be the most annoyingly obvious flirt with friends that are girls who he clearly finds attractive. And this attraction can be mental or physical but usually these girls aren't ugly. They cheat on you. You might even catch him right handed. He's mean. Like so mean and hits you where it counts too. He gossips. There is likely a few feminine Aquarius boys who might start social trouble. As water carrier Justin Timberlake exclaims in his song Nothing Else, "you had a friend, but he did you wrong, but I'm a gossip sign that reads, reads before. "Aquarius's true horror is his ability to detach himself emotionally allowing him to take down the weak. What you've been dwelling on for weeks he is already over and already onto planning the next self inspired adventure. Even worse, you find it soo hard to stay mad at him because he always knows just how to woo you back with his irresistible flattery and charm. This usually occurs after every "mean episode" where you go into anaphylactic shock because you don't recognize this evil person (who you thought you loved) making you feel like shit. He WILL be great, and yes this means even at your expense. If your the bate of his joke or social gratification, in his eyes, its all well worth it.

Aries - He's the most selfish, controlling (in some regard OR in every regard) emotionally fucked up person you know. Getting vocations of love and validation from him will be hard. His shell is extra hard (and not in the way you want). He'll say it once but he's not saying it again and he might even tell you that word for word. He might never commit to you. He might tell you that he doesn't want kids nor does he have any belief in religion or marriage. He might live with his mother beyond the age of 40. He might have some form of addiction or hidden phobia, a buried insecurity he won't deal with or a horrible past life he never speaks of. Regardless he's not telling you shit, even if you think he is, you don't really know him...and watch out EVERY ram has a temper....don't let it get out of control. The secret with control freaks is they need control so badly that they work so hard to juggle it and almost always lose control of it.

Libra - He can't make up his mind about ANYTHING and therefore picks everything on the menu, never grows up and never wants to.  This includes wanting one tall woman, a short one and one thick woman. He is attracted too many different things and can't decide which he likes best. This is the type of guy who wears jeans to a wedding when everyone one else is in dress pants, thinking he is cool and getting away with it for being an individual, but really everyone is snickering. He's charming to a fault and therefore can never truly be trusted or be invested wholeheartedly with anyone. That DON'T TRUST ME beady eyed look he gives you just makes you want to run away. His inability to let anything in or make anything grow is exhausting. He's stuck in Never-Ever- No-Never-land and you don't quite feel like his Tinkerbell. Too many mixed signals and wishy-washy forms of communication...RUN and find a guy with a backbone.

Gemini - Wow player. Hyper-sexual. Sexual addiction. Pervert. Two face creep with a serious mood disorder, which involves building you up or putting you down on a regular basis. A total split personality that surprises you in the worst ways- like when he hits on your friends right in front of you and expects you to be okay with it or takes a chic into a bathroom at a party with all your friends and family and goes up her skirt. Everything out of his mouth is a lie. Gems never tell the truth and they are the master of their own lies because they believe their own lies are true. When conflicted bad Gem is really bad, and he is a TOTAL party animal. After a couple nights on the couch with shitty bachelor related TV - Gem will be back at the bars partying like a rock star in labeled clothing and shades. And yeah, the fact that he likes to shop more than you do is a total buzz kill.

Taurus - He's a fucking bull headed pride loving whore of a stubborn prick. He needs to eat-sleep- and fuck and not necessarily in that order. He's always right and won't even listen to the opposition. He does not apologize or take allowances for his behavior. He is blunt and to the point. He is crude and offensive. He can be temper boiling and abusive (see previous blog post about Chris Brown) and a typical 'bull in a china shop' on a bad day - and trust me - a bad bull is always a bull chilling in a china shop. A bad bull guy will become his bad mood and because bull's are slow at getting themselves going on anything, or making any decision, the bull will take just as long, if not longer to get out of their bad mood.

Pisces - He doesn't know what he wants but he knows he doesn't want to be alone. He's a fucking money borrowing, job hunting, under achieving child. He will marry you, he will marry your sister or your sister's best friend. All he knows is he doesn't want to be alone. Wait, did I already say that? He's sneaky and snake-like and he knows just what to say to get back into your good graces. Or maybe its more that he won't give up. This guy is so persistent that you've probably fucked him a few times just because he wouldn't leave you alone. He's perceptive, so he likely knew everything he needed to say to get you naked. He's a cheater and a womanizer and pansy at heart. He is the type of guy who might try to use his good looks and charms to milk the goods of a strong woman -don't be fooled you can't fix this junkie - and yeah he might literally be a junkie. The fish is always known to be prone to vices and addiction problems. Don't let his emotional vulnerability win you over - he's a fucker who doesn't know how to swim in any other direction but a circle.

Sag - He's a super selfish narcissist who only cares about his own agenda, which pretty much includes doing whatever the fuck he wants. He'll wine and dine you then drop you. He'll swoop you off your feet in adventure then leave you. He's cheap. He'll remind you of every penny he spent on you,and rub his good doings in your face, like "remember last night, what i did?" He'll pick up and leave whenever he wants and decide not to show up to things you deem as important simply because they don't appease his schedule or suit his personal bill. He's a workaholic-anal-hypochondriac prick who thinks he is perfect. No, honestly, he really is convinced that he has no flaws, just ask him.  He's doesn't like anybody but himself so this sort of makes this hard to take him anywhere cause yeah he won't go anyway.

Cancer - He's a moody -evil-face-making mother fucker who won't let you off the hook. He'll let you know what he doesn't like - all the time. Mr. Grumpy bear. Ok no cute nicknames, he's just fucking grumpy. He'll have a sour demeanor and make jokes about you all the time. He'll make jokes. Flirt with other women in front of you. Get into really serious bummer, funky moods where you actually feel so down you contemplate your own life. He'll actually withhold sex and cuddles and all the things you would think a normal guy couldn't live without. He's moody and stubborn and his emotions put him off sex like a woman. He might actually just suck in bed and lack drive or the will to do it. He might get really fat, sitting watching comedies, which he can't even laugh to anymore as eats ice cream by the pint and never once offers you any.

Leo- he's a fucking cheap-emotion hiding-people pleasing attention seeking whore. Honestly, he doesn't even care if you are there (unless you are bringing him his fresh cooked meal), even if he seems like the quiet Leo type he will never settle for being second fiddle to you. Leo needs to shine, even dick leo, so he doesn't really care about your feelings but more so how you make him feel. If you please this asshole's ego he will let you stick around, but the moment you outshine or start bringing your emotions and drama - is the moment you've got to get out of town - and quick. You might not even know it because Leo is such a show boat but this guy is secretly annoyed at you a whole lot more than you think. He's not going to give you anything without a price or a self gain. He might even just spend all his time with himself because again, he only truly cares for his own well being.

Scorpio - He's a fucking weirdo. The best way to put it. Totally weird and creepy and sexually retarded. Either he'll have a sexual addiction or think sex is something bad and will never be able to get it up. He might have some weird eerie fetish or an addiction to ink, bikes, sex, drugs, rock and roll. He's an emotionally twisted sicko who keeps everything to himself. He has dark, deep secrets, which have corrupted his ability to live happily and without the fear that no one is to be trusted. He doesn't know how to communicate anything, and even though he might try his inability to do this will cripple him. Ego will grow frail because the scorpion will essentially become a caged insect.

Virgo- The most selfish-ego obsessive - misogynistic - controlling- bastard you will ever meet. Expect the unexpected, the craziest of the crazy, and the worst of the worst. Kinky shit in bed. Moods you can't predict. He will be the bitchy, vulgar, PMSing woman in the relationship. He will spend a lot of time alone, possibly alone with his scotch, bottle of choice, muscle enhancers, weed etc. He's a bit OCD whether it be about how many times he showers, how clean his apartment is or how clean YOU are. He is hyper prone to detail and will be the first to notice physical imperfection. He'll criticize you more than any other sign because he secretly feels inadequate, and feels better about himself after cutting you down. This is the sign of verbal abuse and self-righteous bullshit.  Extremely stubborn and emotionally shut down. You will wait with bated breath for something that sounds like a compliment, but even kind words are soaked in disdain. Even more fucked, if he really likes you, he will likely be harder on you. Criticism is a form of love for this man. The shitty Virgo has a superiority complex, which leads him to falsely believe that he is better than others and therefore this makes it hard for him to connect with anyone. He also has a really fucked up relationship with his mother, which - either way- is going to play out really crappy.Virgo is contracted by the relationship he has with his mother and it is usually a very significant one.

Capricorn - Just boring. Either a total pompous, over driven, money hungry ass or a boring, mute piece of shit who has the same stamina of a slug. Heartless and cut throat, with the ability to abuse or discard at any time. Whatever works best for the Capricorn - and ego can be really big  here- too big. Shitty Capricorn will try to take over any room, any situation with an irritating cocky gusto, which makes you want to cringe. Low sex drive or always all the same moves. Bad Capricorn will pick on you. He will make fun of you. This is a form of entertain for the Capricorn who is wily to a fault. He will be hard to love and revert into highly predictable behavior that you tire of. His face says it all - sour grapes. He WILL be a control freak who reigns judgment and shows a contemptuous, and cold side on the regular. Terribly snobby (this is worse if he has money) and holds a yardstick (of his personal standards) up to others.There is bitter, bitter taste left in one's mouth in experiencing bad Capricorn male energy. His high standards come at the expense of hurt feelings and damaged egos.

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